there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
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