How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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