Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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