I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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