I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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