i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
