I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Randomize
