I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
