Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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