2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
