I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Acid is not a monday night drug
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
