I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
