just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
