turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
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