he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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