Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
