dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
