I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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