She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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