fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
