My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
