are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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