My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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