Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
