he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
