I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
You made out with two different species that night
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
