9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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