I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
