My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
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