I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
