and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
