I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
