My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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