when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
