Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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