i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
