My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
