So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
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