Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
