For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Church boner. Awkwardddd
this must be what syphilis tastes like
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
