Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
