sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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