well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
