Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Randomize
