Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
