the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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