I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
