I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
My life is pants optional.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
