We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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