Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
