Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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