I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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