it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Randomize
